The Story of the Missing Hat
by Racer Dan
Poor Arkansas Flash...
Sittin' on his porch, the rocking chair slowly rocks back and forth. A creaking sound comes from somewhere below the boards, and a red ant leads a group of fellow ants around the edge of the rocker, and toward a handful of crumbs from a ham sandwich the Flash had engulfed for lunch a few minutes earlier.
"Were is my $%^&^ HAT!" he continues to repeat to himself. A mirror lays in his lap, and it reflects the afternoon sun onto one of the windows of the front room. His rocker continues to sway back and forth, with increasing speed, as his blood pressure continues to rise. Finally the Arkansas Flash reaches down to the right side of his rocker, where a long wooden shaft is mounted from the bottom of his rocker at a 15 degree angle, and extends upward to within a hands reach. He grabs it and slowly his right thumb moves toward the top of the long shaft, where a button is mounted. The ants below suspect nothing ... not realizing that in a matter of seconds their lives would be forever changed.
The Arkansas Flash's thumb is now depressing the button, and he can feel the spring behind the button starting to get tight. Then in a matter of an instant, a hissing sound is heard, and he takes a deep breath...
He looks to his left and then his right, and in a voice like Donald Duck, he says aloud... "Damnit, I gotta get this damned NOS leak fixed!"
Meanwhile, the ants have picked up the crumbs and are now safely heading down the front porch steps, and find a small package setting on the lowest step, wrapped in brown paper. The ants scale the package effortlessly, and then continue on their way to their home. The Arkansas Flash finally jumps up, mumbling a few choice words about not getting his hat, and in the process kicks a stick that was at his feet. The stick sails across the porch floor, skipping like a stone thrown across a pond, bounces down the steps, and comes to rest on the package.
The Arkansas Flash ignores the direction of the stick, and proceeds inside the house. The sound of the screen door's spring fills the afternoon air, and then all is heard is the slapping sound of the screen door as it slams shut. In the distance, a neighbor's dog hears the slamming door, and steals a glance in the Flash's direction. His ears perked up, and he decides to go investigate the noise.
The dog's black and white spotted fur is matted in places from lack of being combed, since his owner does little more than feed him. The dog makes it to the front steps, and looks up to the porch, but no one is there. He decides it will take too much effort to climb the four steps, so he turns to go back to the tree he was resting under. As he turns, he notices a brown package on the last step, and decides this will make the perfect toy to play with. He grabs it with his teeth, and the stick atop it falls to the ground. As the dog takes off across the yard, he twists his neck, and tosses the package up in the air, then runs and grabs it again.
As the sun starts to set, the dog hears the porch door slam again, and John is walking toward his Corvette. He doesn't understand English at all, but can recognize that the Arkansas Flash is upset, so he grabs his new toy and runs.
The Arkansas Flash then hops into his Corvette, and fires it up. He throws the tranny into first gear, and lays a cloud of rubber as he heads for town. Maybe a night out hitting the bars will help, he figures.
As the dog sits resting under the tree, the package at his feet, a small corner of the paper is torn and missing. Inside you can just barely make out the lettering around some sort of emblem . It says: "C5 Fighter Squadron".
Meanwhile, back at the bar, a good looking girl about 25 years old notices the Arkansas Flash at the bar, and casually sets down next to him and orders a drink. As she pulls out a cigarette, and lights it, she notices the man next to her is talking to himself. He mumbles something about a missing hat, and she finds it a little strange. Her drink arrives with a smile from the bartender, and her reflection in the mirror discloses a real beauty of a girl.
She looks one last time at the man beside her, who is looking down at his mug of beer. She picks up her drink, and decides instead to go over to a table where she finds a great dancer who hit it off with her almost instantly. As she walks away, she can barely make out the man's last words... "I can't believe I never got my HAT! I sure have crappy luck!"
Meanwhile, back home the neighbor's dog is just fading off to sleep. He has a big smile on his face, recognizing it is a dog's luck getting such a neat new toy today...
Fate plays strange games in the Twilight Zone, don't you think?